Post 5. What You Did to Survive — And Why Your Body Might Still Be Responding. Let’s Start Talking about Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fall.

In the days since, many parents wonder why their bodies and emotions feel out of sync. Your kids are acting differently, or they’re not, both of which concern you. You’re still on high alert.

Wondering why you can’t focus? Why you’re so tired? Why you can’t remember things? Why your child has a really big reaction to something small? Why you or your child remember certain things but no one can give a complete timeline? Why you felt frozen at one point and then ran the next?

These are all signs of your brain enacting a survival response.

“What the heck is a survival response?”, you may ask. Let’s go through it together.

Your Brain and Body’s Automatic Responses

All brains have built-in ways of protection that automatically “switch on” when you’re in a situation that is too overwhelming for the resources you have available at the time. These are core survival strategies and they include fight, flight, freeze, and fall. 

Your brain, like all brains is wired for survival. Survival strategies are what all brains rely on to get you safe in the face of threat and danger. They happen automatically. You don’t get to consciously choose which one you use.

What Happened, That Day, in those Moments

On the day of the shooting, you and your children may have noticed your bodies doing things you didn’t plan or seem in control of. That’s because for every single brain, when danger is present, the brain takes over and drives survival responses automatically.

Some examples you might recognize:

• Fight: Yelling at people to get down, pushing others toward safety, running towards danger to find your loved ones or trying to stop the danger.

• Flight: Running to another room, hiding in a closet, or getting out of the building as fast as possible.

• Freeze: Feeling paralyzed, unable to move or speak, or stuck staring at what was happening.

• Fall: Shutting down, going numb, or focusing on taking care of others while ignoring your own fear (running towards danger to find your loved ones can also be this in some situations)

I'll ask you to take a pause quickly after reading those examples. What are you noticing in your body? Does it feel like you have both feet in the present or are you feeling like you're partially or fully back there.

If you're feeling partially back there, I invite you to take a breathe, scan your eyes around the room. Notice where you are. Tell your brain where you are, by holding your hand on your heart and stomach and saying it out loud. Name something you see that's red, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple, and black or take a drink of water. Ask yourself if you want to keep reading to learn more or if it'd be best if you go and did something for your body.

Each of these responses has the capacity to save your life depending on the situation. They’re innate in both humans and animals. Ever seen your dog growl? Your cat runs and hides under the bed? A deer freeze in headlights? An animal that goes still and unresponsive? Fight, flight, freeze, and fall in response to a threat.

Many of you cycled through multiple survival responses in just moments — as an example, running, then freezing, then finding yourself terrified in a moment then not and running in to find your child. 

Whichever survival responses your brain had that day were the responses your brain determined based on the real-time, ever changing sensory information it was getting. Your brain cycled through multiple survival responses until safety was reached. It did exactly what it needed to do. 

You may find yourself wishing you had acted differently. That wouldn’t surprise me. I might invite you and notice if that might be a fight-turned-inward survival response still happening. What we know about brains is that, above all else, they are wired for survival. Your brain, in its brilliance, did what was best in the moment given the resources available.

There’s a reason these happen automatically and without you being “allowed” to think about it. You don’t have time to think in life-threatening situations. You just need to act — which is exactly what your brain did.

What’s Happening Now

Oftentimes, even after the specific event is over, your brain continues to automatically go back into fight, flight, freeze, and fall responses because its alarm system is in overdrive (more about this in the next post).

Here are some of the ways your body might be trying to keep you safe right now:

Fight 

Fight responses can be directed both inwards and outward.

• Needing to try to control a situation

• Irritability, restlessness, snapping at small things

• Feeling easily frustrated or angry

• Saying mean things or blaming yourself or a loved one

• Having to be right, or being argumentative

• Actual fighting

Flight 

Your body drives to escape.

• Avoiding emotions or conflict

• Wanting to leave crowded spaces or avoid reminders of the event

• Repeatedly checking locks or scanning exits

• Overworking, over scheduling

• Using constant distraction, such as substances, shopping, reading, gaming

• People pleasing at the cost of your needs

• Losing your own voice to “keep the peace”

Freeze 

Your body stops, feels stuck, doesn't move.

• Procrastination, indecision

• Numbing out

• Feeling paralyzed in stressful situations

• Inability to make decisions

• Holding your breath

• Muscle tension

• Concentration and difficulties thinking

Fall

You may feel a collapse, disconnect from a feeling, thought, memory, part of yourself.

• Feeling drained, powerless, or like you can’t say no

• Feeling disconnected from the world around you or yourself

• Disconnecting and shutting down

• Feeling or acting younger than you are

What to do Now

A important next step that you can do is helping your brain notice when these are happening. While you can’t control them turning on, you can help your brain to remember that you are no longer in a life-threat situation. That way, whatever set off the response can begin to be coded as something that doesn’t need to trigger the alarm going forward.

First we notice, by getting curious, then we remind.

I invite you to start noticing when you — or your child — might find yourselves doing some of these automatically.

• If you notice your child or yourself having a really big reaction, pause and ask: Is this a fight response?

• If you notice you or your child isolating in your room and not wanting to connect with others, pause: Is this a flight response? Is there escape energy?

• If you notice yourself wanting to gather all the details about what happened and how to heal, pause: Am I striving to control something? Is this fight energy?

Then, remind yourself:

• “It’s Thursday. I’m at home. The feeling will pass.”

• “This is a lot. I wish it was different too. I’m here.”

• “We’re home now. We’re safe together.”

• “I can teach my brain to notice that I’m here and not there.”

In the next post, we’ll talk more about why these survival responses keep showing up even after the danger has passed, and what helps your brain and body settle again.

You can also follow along on instagram for a matching daily post.

With great care,

Dr. Meghan & Scout

As with all my posts, this post is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. You reading this does not constitute a therapeutic relationship. If you have concerns about your or your child’s safety or well-being, please reach out to a licensed provider or crisis resource.